By the time this post is read it will have been written many weeks before and old news, but I want to document life even if I'm not quite ready to share it. Even right now I'm willing to share the ups and downs of this new adventure in our life, but there are still some who live far away who don't even know that....we are pregnant with baby #4. Most days are hands are completely full with the three we already have, but we are taking the dive and doing this one more time. My emotions are crazy and my hormones seem even crazier. I think with each pregnancy my craziness has reached a new level. I am now 13 weeks along as I type this and so much has happened already in this short time.
In this picture Prentice is trying to figure out what is wrong with me. She has no idea that I'm pregnant. She was very concerned that I needed to go to the doctor so he could help me get better.
It felt good getting back to St. George, bit the nausea and tiredness was just getting started for me. For many weeks after that I feel like I was just on survival mode. I felt sick constantly and couldn't find anything that sounded good to eat. I always think it is some cruel joke while you are pregnant you are starving for food but so sick you don't want to eat at the same time. I just felt as though I wanted just a little relief, just a few moments a day where I could feel myself again. The kids started school in mid August so that was good for them to get out and for me not to feel like I wasn't doing the best job in taking care of them. Jer tried to be understanding through all of it, but he struggled with how to best deal with me or what to do to help me. Especially by the evening I felt like my body was just done and many nights he would come home a take care of dinner and do the night time routine with the kids. I felt overwhelmed because I didn't take care of my house, my kids, or my husband like I wanted. Even though I know it would pass and it really is only for a short time I honestly really struggled.
When I was just about 12 weeks I was an my parents house and when I stood up to leave I felt a big gush of fluid. I ran to the bathroom where what I feared most seemed to be happening...I was bleeding a lot. I sort of went into shock. My parents took me home and took all the kids while I told Jer that I was having a miscarriage. I was running around cleaning up the mess while Jer called our friend Beanie who is a nurse and called my doctor. Of course it was a Saturday evening so I knew I would probably have to go to the emergency room. I was given the option to go the emergency room to have an ultrasound, but I just didn't feel like going and I knew there was nothing that could be done to stop it at this point. The next morning my doctor came to the office to check me while he was doing his rounds (such an awesome doctor). I had been bleeding and very emotional all night. The practical side of me knew that if I was losing the baby there was likely something wrong and it was just nature's way of doing what was needed. I mostly felt upset and sad because I had come so far and I felt as though it had all been for nothing. I had gone through so much and been so sick, and right when I was getting out of the first trimester this had to happen. As I laid down on the exam table the doctor tried to find a heartbeat. I felt like I had prepared myself as well as I could for the fact that there would be nothing, so when I heard what I thought was a heartbeat I started to cry. I'm not an overly emotional person, but there's nothing like feeling you've lost a baby and then all of the sudden realizing that there might still be a chance. Jer and I were in disbelief as Dr. Lunt confirmed that there was indeed still a heartbeat. We headed home and got ready for church thrilled with our new news.
The bleeding tapered off over the next day or so. Then Monday night I was awakened by another big gush of fluid. I raced to the bathroom as it continued to come. Worse than the earlier episode days before. I called to Jer and he came in just as I started feeling nauseous, dizzy, and feverish as my blood pressure dropped. Something was happening and it felt much worse than before. It felt as though my body was actually pushing on its own. I felt as though it was actually trying to expel the baby from my body. Once again I knew there was nothing I could do but we were sure that this had to be the beginning of a miscarriage. My uterus felt tight and bloated. I tried to go back to bed but all night I imagined that I was cramping. I continued to bleed throughout the night and slept horrible. We were back to the doctor the next morning and we were once again shocked that a heartbeat could still be heard loud and strong. My doctor talked about a few things it could be but felt like he really just didn't know. I was scheduled for an ultrasound which Jer and I were both anxious for so we could hopefully get some answers as to what was going on.
During the ultrasound the tech immediately found the normal heartbeat once more and then went on to explore as to what the cause might be. The baby looked great. I was 12 weeks and 1 day at that point and the baby's development was 12 weeks and 6 days, so that was a positive sign that everything was progressing normally. When she started looking closely at my uterus and cervix I immediately saw some large dark spots (2 I think). It turns out that this is what she said had been causing all my bleeding. She said it was a large pocket of blood that could have been formed by popped blood vessels when the egg implanted. Since the size was still quite large she felt as though I would continue to have bleeding . It was so nice to know that this was the reason and not the baby. I always sort of assumed that any heavy bleeding in the first trimester automatically meant a miscarriage but of course there are many things going on in your body at that point. I am still bleeding a little but nothing that concerns me. I feel so blessed to be able to continue this pregnancy. I always took good healthy pregnancies for granted and if nothing else I feel as though I have a little more of an understanding to what it feels like to lose a baby. Ours happened to turn out wonderful but it could have just as easily turned out badly. We have another doctor's appointment next week and we will continue to hope and pray for a healthy baby!
